Ode to Naked Hostel Dude
`Twas the night before Sabbath and all through the dorm
All the drunk dudes were snoring like boozy fog horns.
The laundry was hung on anything nailed down
In hopes it would dry for one more night on the town.
And I in my ear plugs and H&M tights
Had just settled down for an unrestful night.
When from the bunk bed above there arose such a clatter
I pulled up my eye mask to see what was the matter.
When what to my horrified eyes should appear
But the hairy butt crack of some rando’s rear.
He stretches, he bends, he scratches his ass
Still unaware of this traumatized lass.
He twists to the side and my jaw bone goes slack
For his profile reveals an impressive man rack.
His gut is so round, his man breasts so proud,
Perhaps he will leave if I summon the crowd?
Too late! I bemoan and hope fades like an ember
When he turns to reveal his small, wrinkled member.
He reaches up to his bed and roots through a bag
While I cower below trying hard not to gag.
His movements are hurried, his breathing is heavy
And everything jiggles and shakes like grape jelly.
And just as I begin to sink in despair
He yanks out a pair of green underwear.
He puts on his undies in just the nick of time
Holy bikini, Batman, they’re smaller than mine!
He snaps the elastic and heads for the door
Off to terrify unsuspecting girls on our floor.
Then he stops in the doorway and turns in a blink
And I swear on my life that he gives me a wink.
And I hear him exclaim as he drifts out of sight
If full frontal is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
The Takeaway: Just, you know, don’t.